SEPTEMBER
Tip of the MonthWe all want our children to be happy, healthy and productive. From an early age we want them to learn how to take turns, communicate well, solve problems effectively, follow directions, and share their toys.
What can parents do to increase these good behaviors?
Research consistently shows that the best way to foster our children’s self-esteem, mental health and social skills is through positive discipline practices. As parents you play the most important role in your child’s social development.
Positive Reinforcement
- Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool for teaching good behavior. Reinforcement is any consequence that strengthens or weakens a behavior. For example, if your son puts his toys in the toy bin, you want to reinforce his good behavior so that it will occur again! One way to do this is by praising him. If you say: “I really like the way you picked up your toys and put them away in the toy bin”, he is likely to do it again the following day.
- Unfortunately, misbehavior can also be reinforced. For example, you are at the grocery store and your child starts to whine because she wants you to buy her ice cream. If you say no, but eventually give in to the whining, the next time your child wants something and you say no, she is likely to whine, because she has learned that whining is an effective way to get what she wants.
Praise
- Research shows that specific praise can improve a child’s self-esteem. Praise can increase confidence, and make a child feel valued and loved. Praise can also be very motivating to children. It can actually change their behavior! If you want to improve your child’s behavior, give him positive feedback about behavior you like! We often don’t notice good behavior but are quick to notice even one instance of bad behavior. The trick is to catch your child being good!
- Reward good behavior quickly and as often as possible.
- Be specific about what you like. Instead of “great job!” tell your child exactly what you liked (for example “I loved the way you helped mommy put the dishes in the sink!”).
- Be careful about disingenuous or excessive praise. Help children focus on the things that they can control. Praise them for their effort not their intelligence. They will learn that if they work hard they can succeed!
- Positive Praise is specific, descriptive, honest and attached to real talents and skills.
- A Negative Praise is constant, general, exaggerated and not genuine, filled with labels and statements of approval, focused on innate characteristics that cannot be changed (like beauty and intelligence).
Negative Reinforcement: Spanking versus Time-Out
- Punishment is a negative reinforcer. Punishments work because they are aversive, for example, spanking and time-out. Spanking can be a powerful way of getting a child to do what you want in the short term, but as a parent you are modeling aggression. Furthermore, the research shows that spanking often escalates and leads to other problems like anger and resentment. When you give a “Time-Out” on the other hand, you are modeling a non-violent approach to discipline. A time out does two important things. It stops the misbehavior immediately and it removes your child from the fun situation. Time-out can also teach your child that he has a choice about how he behaves because he can choose to behave well, but if he doesn’t he earns a time out. This teaches responsibility, self-control and moral development.
Other Parenting Strategies that work:
- Positive Opposites:
Instead of telling your child what you don’t want him to do (for example “don’t grab the toy away from your sister”), try to identify what you do want your child to do, and let him know (for example “please ask your sister if you can take a turn playing with the toy”). This helps children know exactly what you want them to do. - Attention
Attention escalates behavior. If you give attention to a positive behavior it will increase and if you give attention to a negative behavior it will also increase, so pay attention to the behaviors that you want more of! - Ignoring:
Ignoring minor misbehavior and annoyances can effectively extinguish that behavior. Be careful about subtle ways that you may be attending to a behavior. Often our body language keeps us engaged. Do not say anything or communicate with expressions of disapproval.
Actively focus your attention on something or someone else if possible. - Modeling:
Children learn by copying, so always ask yourself what you are teaching your child by your behavior. Children are better visual learners than auditory learners (due to their still growing vocabulary) so be sure to show your child exactly how to do what you are requesting. This way they can see first-hand how the skill is accomplished. - Effective Commands:
It is hard to keep track of a string of commands so request that your child to only do one thing at a time. Do not phrase your command in a question (for example “Can you pick up your toys?”) This gives the option of saying no. Kindly tell them to do the task at hand and why it is necessary (for example “We are finished playing with our toys, now it is time to pick them up please.”)